Zen

and the art of motorcycle maintenance (by Robert M. Pirsig). That's the book that I was thinking about  (or rather, the message of the book) yesterday while I was waxing my new table.

Maybe some of you who read this blog are old (sorry, mature, or eh...more my age?) enough to remember the book or to have read it. I liked the table in its more pale and natural state however to care for it properly it needed the wax. And I found good sounding stuff with beeswax, olive oil, lavender, and orange, made in Colorado- that did it for me, in CO they should know what to do with their pine.

And then I thought of a visit to a hair salon, long ago in Hannover, Germany. It was either right before or sometime after I had my girls (that detail I can't remember), and I was in desperate  need of some TLC for myself. The girl who cut my hair confessed that she would rather do only nails, and I said  'but you are doing this so nicely!' (she was unbelievably gentle and never once made a comment about my having 'baby-hair'). She answered "Wenn, dann mit Liebe" (if, then with love).

(yes, I have rather wandering thoughts). So that's what I would like to keep in mind when I go about all the big and little chores and care taking that needs to be done.

my love's espresso cup, made by Emma, on the not-yet-waxed table

Because I make myself crazy sometimes with my list of things to do. And I lose sight of the truly essential. Beat myself up for not accomplishing all my own impossible expectations.

Thus my love and I also spend some time watching movies together this weekend. He persisted in making the holiday lights work, and he put up the trees (we have two- this is too long of story of how that came to pass). And I checked off some items on the list- indoor activities- because it is quite nasty outside (humid and cold).

is there something like...

rehab for workaholics? Not that I really need it- but it was a wee bit difficult to stay away from the hospital today. I did sneak in on Monday so that today was actually the first workday I was not 'taking care of stuff'. At least not at work.

Thijs says she looks like a chicken! Really? This is my Lucy-Lu/ Lucy-poes.

However, plenty to do at home- and although I am somewhat more organized at work (my office mate may disagree), when I'm off, I really run around doing a bit of this, a bit of that...not finishing much, but starting many projects.

our sweet Charlie, my luck-dragon (he reminds me of Falcor from the never-ending story)

I also ventured out and threw myself into some shopping. Not really a favorite but some things you just can't order online. (Don't you love ordering online? It is easy, and double the fun because you get packages twice, once they arrive on the doorstep, and then again on Christmas morning!)

Cat (Homer) on new chair with new table

The weather is not encouraging the cats to play outside, so there is a bit of cabin fever going on. Mainly manifesting itself in bursts of foolish behavior and then plopping on my lap as soon as I sit with some knitting with total disregard for my deadline.

the tree is ready for decorating and some presents

And so my list of things to do is growing rather than shrinking. Oh well.

this...

... is one of the main reasons why I am a lucky girl.

My love, with our cat Homer.

it's been a while

...since I posted something here. Things did happen of course. More sadness, more celebrations- both big and small. We had a lovely thanks-giving.

Lauren made this !

Just hanging out with my kids and various friends, enjoying home-cooked goodness and each other's company.

not everyone there yet

It was wonderful. And now we get to do this again really soon. I am looking forward to it but at the same time, it has crept up on me, as it does every year- the holdiday season. So I am sort of frantically trying to finish the home-made gifts, making sure we have enough beds and bedding, getting the oil changed for two cars (you may laugh but I am really having a hard time finding the right moment for this chore), making the house a bit presentable because my mom is coming (! this is very exciting !), and wrapping up one of my part-time jobs. And wrapping up some presents of course...

Emma having fun with the sibs

My love has hung some lights outside, and we will put up a tree this weekend but not decorate it yet. We had this tradition of doing that as a family whilst enjoying some speculaas and wintery beverages...Adjusting these rituals to our new normal will take a bit of time. 

It's an indoors kind of weekend, temperature-wise, and this morning my love and I tackled some boxes-with-stuff-to-sort-through. Un-opened mail from 2005 was discovered. Need I say more. 

We will take a refreshing walk in a little bit and then continue our casual pace of puttering around the house. It's a good weekend. Lots to enjoy, lots to look forward to. 

I'm not entirely sure

...what I would like to share today. So much happens all the time and then again maybe very little.

As always, that is a matter of perspective. It is finally November weather- just now when I went to take the blog pictures in the cold blowing wind there were even some flurries dancing around. The cats take to indoor living a bit more and make it difficult to knit (Christmas presents!) or type a blog.

In spite of paying attention to portions, less snacking, and more exercising, I seem to keep adding to my circumference. To make the treadmill bearable, I read while walking, and thus finished two books in two weeks. At least there is that because it does hurt a fair bit, the walking. I am going back for more PT.

I am working as much as I can until the very last day of my supplemental employment. I am thankful for the opportunity to learn and grow in my role at the hospital. At the end of every day when I walk out the door, I still feel that I am exactly where I want to be working, doing what I want to be earning my keep with. On good days and bad.

I am looking forward to fill the house back up with young adults visiting for the upcoming holidays. We've already got a family date for the movies planned. My love is finishing the kids' bathroom while whistling. I baked some bread for tonight's Beaujolais nouveau party. Live is pretty good, in November.

the circle of life

...it's the wheel of fortune...

While I like the song, I am not fond of that second sentence. The same goes for the  implications.

picture made with my phone 

I have wanted to write something about this for several weeks but I am not sure I will handle the topic quite as well as I would like. So bear with me.

also made with the phone, and I couldn't see a thing, which was an interesting way of snapping the picture

When I went to school here in the USA, I took a class that we -in short- referred to as 'death and dying', although dying of course comes before death. And the actual course title was somewhat different. See, that was an excellent example of skirting around the issue that I want to get to.

I learned a lot during that class, not only about multiple cultures and how they incorporate the circle of life (or not, our modern western culture has a way of keeping death and grief out of every day life), but also about myself and my thoughts and feelings concerning death, grief, meaningful life, meaningful death, etc.

again, a phone picture taken without seeing what I took

In general, people tend to say that they want to 'go' quickly and painlessly, preferably one night in their sleep. I used to think too, that that was the way to die. Certainly I have wished that my dad would have died without the agony and suffering he had to endure.

Then recently, one of my uncles died by a very quick heart attack, completely unexpected. And I can only speak for the living, and only for myself. But what I have learned in class, and in real live, is that sometimes it helps to know ahead of time, so you can at least have a chance at saying the things you want to say in person.

That does nothing to ease the rawness of your heart. It does not give 'closure' (I have come to severely dislike this word and concept). But it can help in the process. So now I am not so sure about what the best way to die is anymore.

Because sometimes the grief gets so overwhelming afterwards that people can't progress in learning to live with it. And an expert in grief then invented the 'empty chair technique'- you talk to the loved one who died and tell them what you did not get a chance to say when they were alive.

Now I talk to my dad and my oma all the time, in my heart. I don't need an empty chair to envision them. But I did (in some way) have a chance to have those last moments.

My immediate family is a little (lot) uncomfortable with my frankness in talking about issues surrounding death- of course they are, none of us like to acknowledge our mortality. I believe that this is a very important ongoing dialogue to have with your loved ones. Hopefully not, but they may have to make decisions for me when I can't, so they need to know how to honor my wishes, in case of that wheel of fortune hitting me unexpectedly.

by now it is obvious

at least to me, that I am not going to make my self-imposed deadline of Thanksgiving for the quilt I am working on. (Same goes for the planned Christmas knitting).

I am trying- admittedly not often enough- but here's what happened this week when I had laid out the above pictured blocks randomly just to see what I've got so far.

Yes, Charlie did not even pretend he was helping, he just attacked all of it until it was no more than a scattered and bundled heap. Then he started on the (not put away yet, I'll admit) nearby air mattress. And all our cats have all their claws (except for Homer)...we generally don't mind the holes in the bottom of the curtains or the somewhat scratched up couch, but a holey air mattress is going too far.

Who, me??

Yes, you and all the others (except Mila). Even while I am typing this, Gus has draped himself in front of the computer and on my arms and is insisting on some attention. Which I am happy to give him, because I am after all quite crazy about my felines.

that weekend-feeling

Even though, or perhaps because (?) I worked the evening/night shift on Saturday, I had a great weekend-feeling. When it seems that things have been accomplished and yet relaxing.

Of course exploring random little paths we found in the nearby state park was the most relaxing part. More exciting : after multiple trips to the same store to look at two contenders, we finally decided on a table for the kitchen. It is not round and it is not an island/work station, but with a name like 'boulangerie' (bakery) we had to buy it I think.

It will arrive right before Christmas, a bit of a wait. Meanwhile, I can prep the area (some other furniture needs to move, the walls need some paint, that kind of stuff) and slowly things are finding their place. Multiple donations yet to go- it is unbelievable what one family can gather over the years. From starting out with three high chairs and some clothes and toys...(this story is now family lore: we used plastic utensils from Chinese take-out and had three plates gifted to us by a friend).

The new table is from quite a high-end store (prompting Emma to congratulate us during our phone conversation yesterday, and prompting me to want to apologize and say 'but it was on sale!") which did spark some reflection on where we used to get our furniture over the years and how that has changed...my first dining room table came from my grandparents' attic I believe-

The evening/night shift may have been my last, for which I am glad on some level but also sad. I will miss the potential for crazy-you-never-know-what-you-get-or-can-happen. The distinctly different atmosphere during the off-hours. The - on some level deeply personal- encounters with people in acute distress.

Que sera, sera...(for an excellent analysis of this phrase, I encourage visiting Wikipedia).

through the open door...

I hear the wind through the leaves, my love chopping wood, see the birds busy with fall chores, our cats enjoying the weather.

I am contemplating all the good things in my life while ironing some clothes. "You have never been in my situation", said a mother to me late one night in the ER. True, and I hope I never do have to walk in her shoes, not even for half a mile.

But I've been some places I do not wish upon other people either- psychological pain, sadness, shock, the parent roller coaster. For example, I can see myself long ago, sliding down the wall to the floor clutching the phone, when the doctor called about lab results for my little boy, saying it was very concerning and he should be admitted immediately to the hospital. That moment when all you hear is the blood raging through your head, your heart raw already.

We were lucky then. On hindsight, we have mostly been lucky (so far). But those kind of moments, you do not forget.

It is what most parents want for their children: healthy, happy, successful at navigating life. It is not always what you get.

But no more sounds of my children playing through my door, they are opening different doors in different places and they seem to like what they see so far.

My love and I spent some time in the big city with Vera and her roommates this weekend, we explored several classes at the school where she is studying. We slept on her kitchen/dining room floor. It took some getting used to, this being a guest at my daughter's home. To everyone's amusement I brought my knitting, in Emma's gorgeous bowl.

While we were away,  Thijs took excellent care of the cats at home. We are all missing each other: kids, cats, parents- but we are all doing well. Good things in my life.