that weekend-feeling

Even though, or perhaps because (?) I worked the evening/night shift on Saturday, I had a great weekend-feeling. When it seems that things have been accomplished and yet relaxing.

Of course exploring random little paths we found in the nearby state park was the most relaxing part. More exciting : after multiple trips to the same store to look at two contenders, we finally decided on a table for the kitchen. It is not round and it is not an island/work station, but with a name like 'boulangerie' (bakery) we had to buy it I think.

It will arrive right before Christmas, a bit of a wait. Meanwhile, I can prep the area (some other furniture needs to move, the walls need some paint, that kind of stuff) and slowly things are finding their place. Multiple donations yet to go- it is unbelievable what one family can gather over the years. From starting out with three high chairs and some clothes and toys...(this story is now family lore: we used plastic utensils from Chinese take-out and had three plates gifted to us by a friend).

The new table is from quite a high-end store (prompting Emma to congratulate us during our phone conversation yesterday, and prompting me to want to apologize and say 'but it was on sale!") which did spark some reflection on where we used to get our furniture over the years and how that has changed...my first dining room table came from my grandparents' attic I believe-

The evening/night shift may have been my last, for which I am glad on some level but also sad. I will miss the potential for crazy-you-never-know-what-you-get-or-can-happen. The distinctly different atmosphere during the off-hours. The - on some level deeply personal- encounters with people in acute distress.

Que sera, sera...(for an excellent analysis of this phrase, I encourage visiting Wikipedia).

through the open door...

I hear the wind through the leaves, my love chopping wood, see the birds busy with fall chores, our cats enjoying the weather.

I am contemplating all the good things in my life while ironing some clothes. "You have never been in my situation", said a mother to me late one night in the ER. True, and I hope I never do have to walk in her shoes, not even for half a mile.

But I've been some places I do not wish upon other people either- psychological pain, sadness, shock, the parent roller coaster. For example, I can see myself long ago, sliding down the wall to the floor clutching the phone, when the doctor called about lab results for my little boy, saying it was very concerning and he should be admitted immediately to the hospital. That moment when all you hear is the blood raging through your head, your heart raw already.

We were lucky then. On hindsight, we have mostly been lucky (so far). But those kind of moments, you do not forget.

It is what most parents want for their children: healthy, happy, successful at navigating life. It is not always what you get.

But no more sounds of my children playing through my door, they are opening different doors in different places and they seem to like what they see so far.

My love and I spent some time in the big city with Vera and her roommates this weekend, we explored several classes at the school where she is studying. We slept on her kitchen/dining room floor. It took some getting used to, this being a guest at my daughter's home. To everyone's amusement I brought my knitting, in Emma's gorgeous bowl.

While we were away,  Thijs took excellent care of the cats at home. We are all missing each other: kids, cats, parents- but we are all doing well. Good things in my life.

now I feel forced

..to talk about this past week "from hell" to quote several co-workers, which is definitely not in line with what I said would do last time. 'Things' have been sliding downhill for a while, and although I hope we are at the bottom of the hill, I fear the end is not in sight. The people who have been elected to govern this nation seem to have lost sight of how to play fair and had to put themselves in time-out.

On a state/local level, the healthcare corporation for which I sort of work, felt it necessary to cut 900 positions. This directly impacted several fabulous colleagues and also will directly impact the work that the ones who are left will now be able to do. My supplemental position was cut- the longer I think about this, the sillier it gets really, and although we were told that this was nothing personal, it certainly feels that way. It is okay though, as supplemental I was never promised a certain amount of hours anyway. That's the silly part.

The sad part is of course that in the end, the quality of care may suffer. And that people who gave their heart and soul to the place are now left to work until their last day close before the winter holidays. It is pure grief, what we are all feeling. Nothing good can come of this- not even all the hugs and the support and the pulling together can make this right.

This past week really knocked the wind right out of me. I'm drained. And thankful for this weekend with my love who just lets me rant and rave and listens. And for the cats who will be happy to see more of me come December. And for the time I now can plan to clean and bake and make before everyone arrives for the festivities.

The yard is a symphony of dreary moody droopy colors and textures, a requiem for summer. This prompts my love to finally finally clean out the dreaded basement. I may make it to his level of enthusiasm eventually. I still have my part-time grant funded position which I love. On a personal level it is not so bad. I'm just grieving what was and anticipating with some dread what is to come.

have you ever...

...seen the far side of a mountain swallow the sky (lyrics of 'It will follow the rain' by The Tallest Man on Earth)

...gone though your house working on a little bit of this, a little bit of that, and oh this needs doing and that needs tending to and then you see something else and remember what you forgot and it ends with your love asking you why there are socks in front of the microwave and are they clean?

...had one of these days when you let a lot of things slip through your fingers and you have to clean and bend down more than you planned?

...wished you were somewhere else at the same time enjoying where you are? 

...simultaneously been afraid of what people might think and yet not care?

...had so many plans that you already know that you will never have the time?

...felt that fall has a kind of sepia feeling, sort of untidy and yet glorious?

...thought you should get off line and start doing?

Yeah. That and much more. 

I am aware

...of all the mass killings/deaths and tragedies in the world, just this weekend alone...D.C., Baghdad, Nairobi -
I am very aware, as a social worker and privately, of rampant poverty. And I do care, deeply. Those are not the kind of things I want to talk about on this blog.

I choose to look at the bright side (of my life), and I credit my love, a counselor named Margo, and Lisa Alther's  book 'other women' (among influences from several dear friends) with becoming the glass-half-full kind of person I currently am. This was definitely not always the case. I used to mourn every dead bird (reference to the afore mentioned book) and that really did not get me anywhere but in the dumps. Plus, it did not help anyone else.

I am not turning a cold shoulder, I am focusing on the beauty and the joy to survive the darkness. Like re-posting inspiring pictures and quotes on my tumblr  http://mycatsarecuterthanyours.tumblr.com/. Purely for my mental health. So that I can try and make a (very) small difference during the workweek. That is all.

when live gives you...

... a migraine, make waffles in the morning. Especially when you are a 'lucky' migraine sufferer who does not get nauseous and being upright actually feels better than lying down. Even though I would have loved an ice-pack on my head. Or just going downhill on a bicycle in cold weather (I've done that but is a tad dangerous if you close your eyes because the light hurts).

banana blueberry yogurt oatmeal waffles

It did slow me down quite a bit yesterday, which was annoying on a Saturday, but I have learned to function with migraines over the years. Who has time when you have kids and jobs.  And like I said I'm lucky. I do take an overdose of certain pills to assist in making it bearable, the downside is that I then feel as hopped-up as when I took sudafed and had chocolate cheesecake for breakfast (long ago, far away).

The weather is beautiful, and so I had the pleasure of helping my love with the sanding down of the bathroom cabinet doors and drawers etc, outside, on the driveway.

He used the machine, I did the fine-motor edge stuff by hand. We were nicely covered with a thin film of dust. And if not that, then with cat hair from a certain very clingy cat (all of a sudden, no, actually, since the kids moved out- he may have abandonment issues).

He is hogging my arm as I type. And I'm wearing a dark t-shirt. Lovely. For today, I will tackle some chores as well as enjoy the outdoors as well as having a friend over for dinner. Happy equinox!

apparently...

...I may not have been clear on the extend of the kitchen 'project' I mentioned in my former post- of course I would like to renovate or rather rebuild my whole kitchen (or perhaps move to a larger kitchen?). For now though, (and for many many years to come), I am just hoping for a solution for that part of the kitchen only, the missing table/work island. Not a big deal, and definitely a luxury problem.

As some people may know, I love to bake, and would like a larger work space with storage for the bake stuff, so a kitchen island that would provide this would be nice. Still, major baking took place this weekend on perhaps 2 feet of work space (you'll excuse my not-so-great sense of American measurements). Three kinds of bread and an apple cake (if you have ever been in an Italian kitchen, you may have wondered about the magic of those delicious multi-course meals prepared in such a teeny space).

Further un-deterred by the lack of kitchen table, we went for a bike ride, had to shop some, took a longish walk in the state park, played with the pressure cleaner, had a fire two nights in a row, verified that the kids were still doing well, read, relaxed, talked, did some yard work, all the fun and necessary activities that come with weekend.

I attempted to do some knitting (projects for Christmas not photographed) and some sewing on the quilt, but with five cats there is always at least one friendly 'helper'. My love worked on a unique stand/frame for some of the art that we would like to display.

Perhaps nothing special, our weekend activities, yet to me it was a celebration. The first cool air through the windows, the jungle sounds, no alarm clock, watching the cats play in the yard, a whole weekend (no shifts at the hospital) to enjoy and clear my head.