my inner hipster

It comes out on days like this. A little. I'm making granola right now...

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=hipster
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hipster_(contemporary_subculture)

Hmm. That does not define me all the way. But some of the way anyway. Of course as a true hipster one would not admit to being one ;-)

I've been brooding on posting something about this following picture and my thoughts and feelings about it/what it represents for some time. So here goes.

Vera took it last spring, in answer to my request for a portrait that made me look good. (When they were younger, the kids would find it a  fun sport to snap pictures of me with the most horrifying faces...I'm not photogenic).

At first, I did not like it, the portrait. One of my close friends loved it, said that it showed me vulnerable and strong at the same time. And that was the problem- the portrait is too good. It shows ME (not necessarily making me 'look good'). And I was afraid of it. Which made me reflect on the why and how and etc.

First of all, why would I ask my daughter to 'make me look good'. When I have been preaching all her life that it should not be about appearances. If I am so obviously having (body image) issues, if I can't model being a self-confident woman...what am I teaching her really? If anything, my hopes and dreams for my kids have been to feel good about themselves, to be confident, independent thinkers who will question conventions /societal ideas -of beauty, among other things.

My 'do as I say, not as I do' example has been bothering me quite a bit. Meanwhile I studied the picture every now and then, to get courage really. (I do have Brene Brown's book 'Daring Greatly', however I have not made it past the first chapter yet). To accept myself, strength and vulnerability and all (both sides equally scary). I do love the portrait now, but self-acceptance will remain an ongoing process. Sharing that may be the best I can do - even if the kids are no longer kids.