I'm not entirely sure

...what I would like to share today. So much happens all the time and then again maybe very little.

As always, that is a matter of perspective. It is finally November weather- just now when I went to take the blog pictures in the cold blowing wind there were even some flurries dancing around. The cats take to indoor living a bit more and make it difficult to knit (Christmas presents!) or type a blog.

In spite of paying attention to portions, less snacking, and more exercising, I seem to keep adding to my circumference. To make the treadmill bearable, I read while walking, and thus finished two books in two weeks. At least there is that because it does hurt a fair bit, the walking. I am going back for more PT.

I am working as much as I can until the very last day of my supplemental employment. I am thankful for the opportunity to learn and grow in my role at the hospital. At the end of every day when I walk out the door, I still feel that I am exactly where I want to be working, doing what I want to be earning my keep with. On good days and bad.

I am looking forward to fill the house back up with young adults visiting for the upcoming holidays. We've already got a family date for the movies planned. My love is finishing the kids' bathroom while whistling. I baked some bread for tonight's Beaujolais nouveau party. Live is pretty good, in November.

the circle of life

...it's the wheel of fortune...

While I like the song, I am not fond of that second sentence. The same goes for the  implications.

picture made with my phone 

I have wanted to write something about this for several weeks but I am not sure I will handle the topic quite as well as I would like. So bear with me.

also made with the phone, and I couldn't see a thing, which was an interesting way of snapping the picture

When I went to school here in the USA, I took a class that we -in short- referred to as 'death and dying', although dying of course comes before death. And the actual course title was somewhat different. See, that was an excellent example of skirting around the issue that I want to get to.

I learned a lot during that class, not only about multiple cultures and how they incorporate the circle of life (or not, our modern western culture has a way of keeping death and grief out of every day life), but also about myself and my thoughts and feelings concerning death, grief, meaningful life, meaningful death, etc.

again, a phone picture taken without seeing what I took

In general, people tend to say that they want to 'go' quickly and painlessly, preferably one night in their sleep. I used to think too, that that was the way to die. Certainly I have wished that my dad would have died without the agony and suffering he had to endure.

Then recently, one of my uncles died by a very quick heart attack, completely unexpected. And I can only speak for the living, and only for myself. But what I have learned in class, and in real live, is that sometimes it helps to know ahead of time, so you can at least have a chance at saying the things you want to say in person.

That does nothing to ease the rawness of your heart. It does not give 'closure' (I have come to severely dislike this word and concept). But it can help in the process. So now I am not so sure about what the best way to die is anymore.

Because sometimes the grief gets so overwhelming afterwards that people can't progress in learning to live with it. And an expert in grief then invented the 'empty chair technique'- you talk to the loved one who died and tell them what you did not get a chance to say when they were alive.

Now I talk to my dad and my oma all the time, in my heart. I don't need an empty chair to envision them. But I did (in some way) have a chance to have those last moments.

My immediate family is a little (lot) uncomfortable with my frankness in talking about issues surrounding death- of course they are, none of us like to acknowledge our mortality. I believe that this is a very important ongoing dialogue to have with your loved ones. Hopefully not, but they may have to make decisions for me when I can't, so they need to know how to honor my wishes, in case of that wheel of fortune hitting me unexpectedly.

by now it is obvious

at least to me, that I am not going to make my self-imposed deadline of Thanksgiving for the quilt I am working on. (Same goes for the planned Christmas knitting).

I am trying- admittedly not often enough- but here's what happened this week when I had laid out the above pictured blocks randomly just to see what I've got so far.

Yes, Charlie did not even pretend he was helping, he just attacked all of it until it was no more than a scattered and bundled heap. Then he started on the (not put away yet, I'll admit) nearby air mattress. And all our cats have all their claws (except for Homer)...we generally don't mind the holes in the bottom of the curtains or the somewhat scratched up couch, but a holey air mattress is going too far.

Who, me??

Yes, you and all the others (except Mila). Even while I am typing this, Gus has draped himself in front of the computer and on my arms and is insisting on some attention. Which I am happy to give him, because I am after all quite crazy about my felines.