it's been a while

...since I posted something here. Things did happen of course. More sadness, more celebrations- both big and small. We had a lovely thanks-giving.

Lauren made this !

Just hanging out with my kids and various friends, enjoying home-cooked goodness and each other's company.

not everyone there yet

It was wonderful. And now we get to do this again really soon. I am looking forward to it but at the same time, it has crept up on me, as it does every year- the holdiday season. So I am sort of frantically trying to finish the home-made gifts, making sure we have enough beds and bedding, getting the oil changed for two cars (you may laugh but I am really having a hard time finding the right moment for this chore), making the house a bit presentable because my mom is coming (! this is very exciting !), and wrapping up one of my part-time jobs. And wrapping up some presents of course...

Emma having fun with the sibs

My love has hung some lights outside, and we will put up a tree this weekend but not decorate it yet. We had this tradition of doing that as a family whilst enjoying some speculaas and wintery beverages...Adjusting these rituals to our new normal will take a bit of time. 

It's an indoors kind of weekend, temperature-wise, and this morning my love and I tackled some boxes-with-stuff-to-sort-through. Un-opened mail from 2005 was discovered. Need I say more. 

We will take a refreshing walk in a little bit and then continue our casual pace of puttering around the house. It's a good weekend. Lots to enjoy, lots to look forward to. 

I'm not entirely sure

...what I would like to share today. So much happens all the time and then again maybe very little.

As always, that is a matter of perspective. It is finally November weather- just now when I went to take the blog pictures in the cold blowing wind there were even some flurries dancing around. The cats take to indoor living a bit more and make it difficult to knit (Christmas presents!) or type a blog.

In spite of paying attention to portions, less snacking, and more exercising, I seem to keep adding to my circumference. To make the treadmill bearable, I read while walking, and thus finished two books in two weeks. At least there is that because it does hurt a fair bit, the walking. I am going back for more PT.

I am working as much as I can until the very last day of my supplemental employment. I am thankful for the opportunity to learn and grow in my role at the hospital. At the end of every day when I walk out the door, I still feel that I am exactly where I want to be working, doing what I want to be earning my keep with. On good days and bad.

I am looking forward to fill the house back up with young adults visiting for the upcoming holidays. We've already got a family date for the movies planned. My love is finishing the kids' bathroom while whistling. I baked some bread for tonight's Beaujolais nouveau party. Live is pretty good, in November.

the circle of life

...it's the wheel of fortune...

While I like the song, I am not fond of that second sentence. The same goes for the  implications.

picture made with my phone 

I have wanted to write something about this for several weeks but I am not sure I will handle the topic quite as well as I would like. So bear with me.

also made with the phone, and I couldn't see a thing, which was an interesting way of snapping the picture

When I went to school here in the USA, I took a class that we -in short- referred to as 'death and dying', although dying of course comes before death. And the actual course title was somewhat different. See, that was an excellent example of skirting around the issue that I want to get to.

I learned a lot during that class, not only about multiple cultures and how they incorporate the circle of life (or not, our modern western culture has a way of keeping death and grief out of every day life), but also about myself and my thoughts and feelings concerning death, grief, meaningful life, meaningful death, etc.

again, a phone picture taken without seeing what I took

In general, people tend to say that they want to 'go' quickly and painlessly, preferably one night in their sleep. I used to think too, that that was the way to die. Certainly I have wished that my dad would have died without the agony and suffering he had to endure.

Then recently, one of my uncles died by a very quick heart attack, completely unexpected. And I can only speak for the living, and only for myself. But what I have learned in class, and in real live, is that sometimes it helps to know ahead of time, so you can at least have a chance at saying the things you want to say in person.

That does nothing to ease the rawness of your heart. It does not give 'closure' (I have come to severely dislike this word and concept). But it can help in the process. So now I am not so sure about what the best way to die is anymore.

Because sometimes the grief gets so overwhelming afterwards that people can't progress in learning to live with it. And an expert in grief then invented the 'empty chair technique'- you talk to the loved one who died and tell them what you did not get a chance to say when they were alive.

Now I talk to my dad and my oma all the time, in my heart. I don't need an empty chair to envision them. But I did (in some way) have a chance to have those last moments.

My immediate family is a little (lot) uncomfortable with my frankness in talking about issues surrounding death- of course they are, none of us like to acknowledge our mortality. I believe that this is a very important ongoing dialogue to have with your loved ones. Hopefully not, but they may have to make decisions for me when I can't, so they need to know how to honor my wishes, in case of that wheel of fortune hitting me unexpectedly.

by now it is obvious

at least to me, that I am not going to make my self-imposed deadline of Thanksgiving for the quilt I am working on. (Same goes for the planned Christmas knitting).

I am trying- admittedly not often enough- but here's what happened this week when I had laid out the above pictured blocks randomly just to see what I've got so far.

Yes, Charlie did not even pretend he was helping, he just attacked all of it until it was no more than a scattered and bundled heap. Then he started on the (not put away yet, I'll admit) nearby air mattress. And all our cats have all their claws (except for Homer)...we generally don't mind the holes in the bottom of the curtains or the somewhat scratched up couch, but a holey air mattress is going too far.

Who, me??

Yes, you and all the others (except Mila). Even while I am typing this, Gus has draped himself in front of the computer and on my arms and is insisting on some attention. Which I am happy to give him, because I am after all quite crazy about my felines.

that weekend-feeling

Even though, or perhaps because (?) I worked the evening/night shift on Saturday, I had a great weekend-feeling. When it seems that things have been accomplished and yet relaxing.

Of course exploring random little paths we found in the nearby state park was the most relaxing part. More exciting : after multiple trips to the same store to look at two contenders, we finally decided on a table for the kitchen. It is not round and it is not an island/work station, but with a name like 'boulangerie' (bakery) we had to buy it I think.

It will arrive right before Christmas, a bit of a wait. Meanwhile, I can prep the area (some other furniture needs to move, the walls need some paint, that kind of stuff) and slowly things are finding their place. Multiple donations yet to go- it is unbelievable what one family can gather over the years. From starting out with three high chairs and some clothes and toys...(this story is now family lore: we used plastic utensils from Chinese take-out and had three plates gifted to us by a friend).

The new table is from quite a high-end store (prompting Emma to congratulate us during our phone conversation yesterday, and prompting me to want to apologize and say 'but it was on sale!") which did spark some reflection on where we used to get our furniture over the years and how that has changed...my first dining room table came from my grandparents' attic I believe-

The evening/night shift may have been my last, for which I am glad on some level but also sad. I will miss the potential for crazy-you-never-know-what-you-get-or-can-happen. The distinctly different atmosphere during the off-hours. The - on some level deeply personal- encounters with people in acute distress.

Que sera, sera...(for an excellent analysis of this phrase, I encourage visiting Wikipedia).

through the open door...

I hear the wind through the leaves, my love chopping wood, see the birds busy with fall chores, our cats enjoying the weather.

I am contemplating all the good things in my life while ironing some clothes. "You have never been in my situation", said a mother to me late one night in the ER. True, and I hope I never do have to walk in her shoes, not even for half a mile.

But I've been some places I do not wish upon other people either- psychological pain, sadness, shock, the parent roller coaster. For example, I can see myself long ago, sliding down the wall to the floor clutching the phone, when the doctor called about lab results for my little boy, saying it was very concerning and he should be admitted immediately to the hospital. That moment when all you hear is the blood raging through your head, your heart raw already.

We were lucky then. On hindsight, we have mostly been lucky (so far). But those kind of moments, you do not forget.

It is what most parents want for their children: healthy, happy, successful at navigating life. It is not always what you get.

But no more sounds of my children playing through my door, they are opening different doors in different places and they seem to like what they see so far.

My love and I spent some time in the big city with Vera and her roommates this weekend, we explored several classes at the school where she is studying. We slept on her kitchen/dining room floor. It took some getting used to, this being a guest at my daughter's home. To everyone's amusement I brought my knitting, in Emma's gorgeous bowl.

While we were away,  Thijs took excellent care of the cats at home. We are all missing each other: kids, cats, parents- but we are all doing well. Good things in my life.

now I feel forced

..to talk about this past week "from hell" to quote several co-workers, which is definitely not in line with what I said would do last time. 'Things' have been sliding downhill for a while, and although I hope we are at the bottom of the hill, I fear the end is not in sight. The people who have been elected to govern this nation seem to have lost sight of how to play fair and had to put themselves in time-out.

On a state/local level, the healthcare corporation for which I sort of work, felt it necessary to cut 900 positions. This directly impacted several fabulous colleagues and also will directly impact the work that the ones who are left will now be able to do. My supplemental position was cut- the longer I think about this, the sillier it gets really, and although we were told that this was nothing personal, it certainly feels that way. It is okay though, as supplemental I was never promised a certain amount of hours anyway. That's the silly part.

The sad part is of course that in the end, the quality of care may suffer. And that people who gave their heart and soul to the place are now left to work until their last day close before the winter holidays. It is pure grief, what we are all feeling. Nothing good can come of this- not even all the hugs and the support and the pulling together can make this right.

This past week really knocked the wind right out of me. I'm drained. And thankful for this weekend with my love who just lets me rant and rave and listens. And for the cats who will be happy to see more of me come December. And for the time I now can plan to clean and bake and make before everyone arrives for the festivities.

The yard is a symphony of dreary moody droopy colors and textures, a requiem for summer. This prompts my love to finally finally clean out the dreaded basement. I may make it to his level of enthusiasm eventually. I still have my part-time grant funded position which I love. On a personal level it is not so bad. I'm just grieving what was and anticipating with some dread what is to come.